Thursday, May 31, 2007
{ 7:01 AM }
man..my maid's going home for like 10 days. i'm really going to miss her. at first i thought everything would be fine,because she'll be coming back afterall, but nope. until the day before she's leaving, i becamse weird. on my way home from plaza sing(we want there to watch pirates), i was on the verge of crying, but because there were many people around, i controlled myself. after reaching home, i wanted to cry all over again. i dont know why too..this cant be explained. i made an excuse to take a bath and quickly swallowed my tears back. just recently, this feeling worsened! man..when i was doing my homework at the dining table, my maid was mopping the floor and she talked to me about what will happen when she's gone and stuff like that. i wanted to cry again. so i went into the toilet and pretended i was pooing. i took a long time there and because i figured out that if i walked out of the toilet red-eyed, she'll suspect that i was crying, so i followed the method the television taught us-fill the basin with water and put your face into the water, then cry. but it was as bad as before. i dont understand why, although i tried to convince myself that she'll be back, the tears still flowed uncontrollably. why?? ah! she'll have to go one day. i cant stand it. i'm having a bad mood now and my stupid mother aggravated it by doing some stupid things. why cant she leave me alone to sort out my own affairs. why must she always stick her head into my life. it's MY life, should I be the one who choose what i want. ha. i had a quarrel with her. and i bet this will carry on until maybe a few days later. this will be horribly awkard as there'll only be her and me at home. i hate the feeling of loneliness.
Monday, May 21, 2007
{ 6:42 AM }
why is the process of growing up so horrible and long? i dont think i can take it anymore. there's so many things happening..and i dont know what to do. i'm..worried, i'm scared. because i dont know how to break the news to her. it's horrible keeping it under wraps. and i dont wish to disappoint and anger her. there's so much trust and hope there. how?! around me, many things are happening, no matter if it's good or bad. i guess we'll have to learn how to strike a balance in whatever we do. our life is full of things, it is how we cope with them that make our lifes successful. i dont want to grow up! it's about doing and coping with the things we dont like. lessons are back to normal. hahaas..we checked our results today and it's like..my chem! I NEED 0.6 marks.
BIG GIRLS DONT CRY. must remember this and it'll spur us on to be even stronger.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
{ 11:48 PM }
man..i'm facing a crisis now. i'm in deep trouble. how? how? this made me dont want to go there even more. but again, it's a matter of responsible we're talking about. ha. i'm GOING FROM NOW ONWARDS(: happy? hahahaas..very. i'm going to take pride in whatever i do. hahaas..er..today's results were rather sucky. i failed like almost two subject. physics and e lit. but then again, i think they marked some of my questions wrongly..so..i'm going to pass my physics! woopie~hahaas. my lit suck. really. maybe it's because i'm always doing last minute work. it's like i really dislike shakespeare and i dont understand their language. so, i'm having trouble with mr shakespeare. i dont like people to disclose the secrets which i told. a secret is forever a secret until the person that told you declares that it's not anymore. man..if you've got anything, talk to me in person. i'm willing to listen. since we are 6189514419. really..i'm not going to be angry. and i wont hate anyone. it's tiring to hate people..man..just hope the overall results will be better than expected. how i wished it was like 40-60. hahaas..
{ 5:39 AM }
Ah! my mood for today is spoilt right in the morning when i was called out. then i got scolded harshly. man..it's just i didnt hand in an mc on time. you may thing it's very serious, but then..yea. why cant we wait? and those words were harsh. really harsh. it made me very anrgy and at the same time sad. the angry part is the more one. then i broke down. especially when i remember that i'm like treated not very well. i'm like a forgotten creature. am i really disppearing?? ha. you think you know me well. but you dont. there are many things which are not told to you. you people many think that i deserve it..yea..i partly deserves this, but it is not totally my fault is it? there are still some other factors which are involved in this case. i am irresponsible. it is because i dont have the respect i am suppose to have. i do have a wrong attitude. i think that i should not do what i dont like to do. i dont see a reason why you should do something that will make yourself unhappy just to please others. "if i had my mouth i would bite; if i had my liberty i would do my liking; in the meantime, let me be that i am, and seek not to alter me." many times i feel lonely and i dont feel that i'm myself whenever i'm there. there's no reason to do something we dont like just to please others. it's just like sucking up..so fake. and where is all the freedom? i know you people hate me. i know..thank you. really. i give up. i dont want to hate anyone anymore..it's really tiring. maybe i'll just finish all my hatred within this week. i dont want to look back when i am old and find that i've always done things that will only make myself regret. this is my life..and i havent changed much. it is you who have changed. remember how close we were? we're no longer that close anymore. i'm still there..you are the one who left. whatever i do, it's my fault. and i do deserve it. even if one day, a car accidentally came onto the pavement and knocked into me..it's still my fault. i love those people around me who really understood(: thank you so much..i'm so worried about tomorrow..my results today were lousy. very lousy. i hope tomorrow will be better. going to see her again tomorrow, but i dont feel like talking to her.
Monday, May 14, 2007
{ 6:57 AM }
today is such a "lucky" day. luck as in the opposite meaning. took few of our papers back-english, higher chinese and chemistry. man..all of them suck. really. especially engish. i barely passed! man..but seriously, i was quite thankful that i at least passed. many people was at the borders of passing. and although i am there too, i was slightly lucky. then came chinese. i was quite happy with the compo part one, but then..part two was diseaster. after taking a break, we return to lt1 to go through our paper two. that was not too good also. i was hoping to get at least a B3, in the end, it is B4 for me AGAIN. sigh. i just dont reach the mark, really. after chinese was chemistry. chemistry is really lousy. i was hoping to get a B also, but in the end, i got a C! man. i was really very angry. and today, my phone had this stupid PUK problem. at first i was asking simin for help to get the code. then when i was calling my mum, bi pressed something. and vola, my card is blocked now. ha. i've to go down to vivo or tampines mall or plaza sing to fix it. what a bother. if i had known this would happen, i wouldnt give my phone to anybody. now i got the PUK code, but i cant type it in. i really hate this feeling. i want my handphone back!
